I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
