A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
