I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
