So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
