8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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