i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want her autograph on my taint
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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