Someone shit on the floor
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
