I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
