Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
