Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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