Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
