i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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