I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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