I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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