hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
