hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
