I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize