Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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