My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone came in the potted fern
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize