I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
