Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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