he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
