Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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