Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
