You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
