I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize