I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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