the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
