I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
