yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
