This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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