I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
