He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize