Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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