He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
