Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
