I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
