we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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