her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
