I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
