The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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