Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
