It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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