When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
