be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
