I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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