Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drunk walkin through police station. America
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
