I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize