I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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