maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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