he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
