i love accidental penises.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
