I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
