I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
