sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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