Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize