watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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