So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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