At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
